I was about to post something on YouTube today that I thought was half decent, when I figured I would watch my subscriptions. I did. I watched as these people were clever, and funny, and pretty, and poured their hearts out on screen.

I watched my video back. I almost cried.

Why? I feel inadequate. I feel like everytime I think, "Okay, you can do this. You're talented and nice and funny" I end up failing. I end up looking at people who actually are clever and funny and pretty and nice to listen to and I just end up hating myself more. That's all I feel I'll ever do. I'll grow up a resentful, 40 year- old woman, working at the DMV, only to come home and finally swallow a handful of painkillers that have been sitting there "just in case" for that very occasion.

You feel more "mature" more "morally healthy" than the people around you, than people your age, but not you aren't. And you have no chance of anyone really liking you because you're stuck up in a way that is most horrible, and brittle and useless.

Here's a mental note, read this back frequently: You aren't funny. You aren't nice. You aren't clever or smart or passionate or anything that might redeem you even slightly. You are a waste of space. Stop trying. We both know that this "blog" is a sorry attempt for someone to recognize you and tell you you're wonderful, which you know will never happen. Even as you're typing this you're thinking that, and I hate you. I hate you for having hope in anything.

Don't post your video. Don't post any video. Stay away from everyone, and succum to the horrible life you are destined to live.

attempt

I might stop eating and drinking water. Who knows? Maybe no one will notice my thinning hair. My yellow nails, sitting tiredly, heavily, against my too-pale skin, normally on the verge of an extreme, although natural, tan. The walk that makes me look like I'm missing my calf muscles.

Muscles.

Maybe no one will no notice their diminishing mass, or that of it's counterpart, fat. My body will simply have "started to develop" or " have gotten used to your vegetarian lifestyle". Sacks of the stuff will fall off while I walk along these dirty gum, spotted streets. Dirty, vile, vapid,insensitive, ignorant, unsympathetic, gum spotted streets. Perhaps I might even lose that massive crevice which we call my nose. Or my ethnicity. Forget how to do anything horribly, like the pangs of pain I will undoubtedly feel in my nervous system, so often. I'll lose my ability to have a very limited vocabulary which I mispronounce and misuse so frequently, almost as if it came from my wavering iron intake.
I might stop drinking water. I might stop getting nourishment. No one will notice; however it's aftermath will never be forgotten, making me, even after eternal decay, a nuisance.