I think I was born in the wrong year. Actually, in the wrong many years. In the wrong family. In the wrong country. I wish I could have lived through so many things that happened, and understand that I couldn't possibly ever. But I see all these things that I want to know how to do, that I want to be, and to know that I can't is heartbreaking. I feel so out of place. I know that people constantly feel out of place but it's different than just wanting to be "white" or wanting to know about something obscure to me now and to people around me. Everything feels wrong. Everything I do feels wrong. It seems put of place. I know that not all about my nature or the way I am is horrible. But it all seems so out of reach, all these mysteries of life that I want to try to solve, that I want to try and accomplish, and it feels like everyone I know is against the idea of anything I try to do and I can take it but it hurts me. And then they ask what the matter might be and I can't tell them because it is them. No one actually loves me. Everyone is forced to love me by some invisible, celestial custom or because they
want to love. And I don't blame them! How could they? Love someone who is too lost in life to have an attitude of that of a visionary, explorer, a genius. A revolutionary. Or just someone smart. I am not sure if the reason for this (as with any) is so that I can overcome some large obstacle, and then gloat about it and make the reaching of goal more than glorious or to show me that I am being an idiot trying to do something impossible and inconclusive, but I do know that I am either or the verge of giving up or the one of breaking and defying any custom or lesson I know and to risk all that I had to try and follow an everlasting, branching "goal". All I want is to be able to live life the way so many people do, the way
they want, not
needing the support of their family and friends, but just wanting it. I want the courage to be able to, as "cheesy" as it sounds, stand up for myself, and live for what I want. I don't want anything in specific because I want
everything in specific. I want a life that isn't just a series of consecutive respirations. One that isn't just getting up making a living, following the belief of a balanced life, and then and going back to bed. If that is what ultimately happens to me, I give you permission to end it all or ask of you to not blame me when I attempt to. I don't have a fixed goal, like learning guitar or French, but one that includes being able to learn guitar and French and everything else to my indulgent wants. The fact of the matter is that I can't, and that saddens me. And it saddens me even more throughly that I cannot have an outlet in which to deposit all these feelings like art or music are to most people. I can write but my writing isn't good and that is bad when you are one who second guesses everything one does. Come back in a week and I can almost guarantee you this will be gone or abandoned. Or I might leave it up. If this wasn't anonymous I wouldn't.
Sorry to have wasted your time with promises of something worth reading if you did finish this (which you probably didn't). I have no answers. I have no worked out feelings or beliefs (everything is completely inconclusive and foolish) which is why my writing doesn't reflect anything but the word pathetic, or at least now. But that is how it should be? I am young and at the highest level of stupid I will ever get to in my lifetime. I hope later I can come back to this grave of thoughts with my hands full of accomplishments, my mind full of different thoughts, happier ones that I can offer it and with which I can prove my pubescent self wrong. That I can walk up to this with bushels of beautiful vegetation and say, "You were wrong, so wrong, but I'm glad." I hope I say that, with meaning.
I leave you again to your wonderful, wonderful lives. I will be waiting here, hopefully with more entries, in your screens. Please do something for me. If your surroundings can aid you (especially if they don't), please do something.
