I was about to post something on YouTube today that I thought was half decent, when I figured I would watch my subscriptions. I did. I watched as these people were clever, and funny, and pretty, and poured their hearts out on screen.

I watched my video back. I almost cried.

Why? I feel inadequate. I feel like everytime I think, "Okay, you can do this. You're talented and nice and funny" I end up failing. I end up looking at people who actually are clever and funny and pretty and nice to listen to and I just end up hating myself more. That's all I feel I'll ever do. I'll grow up a resentful, 40 year- old woman, working at the DMV, only to come home and finally swallow a handful of painkillers that have been sitting there "just in case" for that very occasion.

You feel more "mature" more "morally healthy" than the people around you, than people your age, but not you aren't. And you have no chance of anyone really liking you because you're stuck up in a way that is most horrible, and brittle and useless.

Here's a mental note, read this back frequently: You aren't funny. You aren't nice. You aren't clever or smart or passionate or anything that might redeem you even slightly. You are a waste of space. Stop trying. We both know that this "blog" is a sorry attempt for someone to recognize you and tell you you're wonderful, which you know will never happen. Even as you're typing this you're thinking that, and I hate you. I hate you for having hope in anything.

Don't post your video. Don't post any video. Stay away from everyone, and succum to the horrible life you are destined to live.

attempt

I might stop eating and drinking water. Who knows? Maybe no one will notice my thinning hair. My yellow nails, sitting tiredly, heavily, against my too-pale skin, normally on the verge of an extreme, although natural, tan. The walk that makes me look like I'm missing my calf muscles.

Muscles.

Maybe no one will no notice their diminishing mass, or that of it's counterpart, fat. My body will simply have "started to develop" or " have gotten used to your vegetarian lifestyle". Sacks of the stuff will fall off while I walk along these dirty gum, spotted streets. Dirty, vile, vapid,insensitive, ignorant, unsympathetic, gum spotted streets. Perhaps I might even lose that massive crevice which we call my nose. Or my ethnicity. Forget how to do anything horribly, like the pangs of pain I will undoubtedly feel in my nervous system, so often. I'll lose my ability to have a very limited vocabulary which I mispronounce and misuse so frequently, almost as if it came from my wavering iron intake.
I might stop drinking water. I might stop getting nourishment. No one will notice; however it's aftermath will never be forgotten, making me, even after eternal decay, a nuisance.

Rambles

I think I was born in the wrong year. Actually, in the wrong many years. In the wrong family. In the wrong country. I wish I could have lived through so many things that happened, and understand that I couldn't possibly ever. But I see all these things that I want to know how to do, that I want to be, and to know that I can't is heartbreaking. I feel so out of place. I know that people constantly feel out of place but it's different than just wanting to be "white" or wanting to know about something obscure to me now and to people around me. Everything feels wrong. Everything I do feels wrong. It seems put of place. I know that not all about my nature or the way I am is horrible. But it all seems so out of reach, all these mysteries of life that I want to try to solve, that I want to try and accomplish, and it feels like everyone I know is against the idea of anything I try to do and I can take it but it hurts me. And then they ask what the matter might be and I can't tell them because it is them. No one actually loves me. Everyone is forced to love me by some invisible, celestial custom or because they want to love. And I don't blame them! How could they? Love someone who is too lost in life to have an attitude of that of a visionary, explorer, a genius. A revolutionary. Or just someone smart. I am not sure if the reason for this (as with any) is so that I can overcome some large obstacle, and then gloat about it and make the reaching of goal more than glorious or to show me that I am being an idiot trying to do something impossible and inconclusive, but I do know that I am either or the verge of giving up or the one of breaking and defying any custom or lesson I know and to risk all that I had to try and follow an everlasting, branching "goal". All I want is to be able to live life the way so many people do, the way they want, not needing the support of their family and friends, but just wanting it. I want the courage to be able to, as "cheesy" as it sounds, stand up for myself, and live for what I want. I don't want anything in specific because I want everything in specific. I want a life that isn't just a series of consecutive respirations. One that isn't just getting up making a living, following the belief of a balanced life, and then and going back to bed. If that is what ultimately happens to me, I give you permission to end it all or ask of you to not blame me when I attempt to. I don't have a fixed goal, like learning guitar or French, but one that includes being able to learn guitar and French and everything else to my indulgent wants. The fact of the matter is that I can't, and that saddens me. And it saddens me even more throughly that I cannot have an outlet in which to deposit all these feelings like art or music are to most people. I can write but my writing isn't good and that is bad when you are one who second guesses everything one does. Come back in a week and I can almost guarantee you this will be gone or abandoned. Or I might leave it up. If this wasn't anonymous I wouldn't.

Sorry to have wasted your time with promises of something worth reading if you did finish this (which you probably didn't). I have no answers. I have no worked out feelings or beliefs (everything is completely inconclusive and foolish) which is why my writing doesn't reflect anything but the word pathetic, or at least now. But that is how it should be? I am young and at the highest level of stupid I will ever get to in my lifetime. I hope later I can come back to this grave of thoughts with my hands full of accomplishments, my mind full of different thoughts, happier ones that I can offer it and with which I can prove my pubescent self wrong. That I can walk up to this with bushels of beautiful vegetation and say, "You were wrong, so wrong, but I'm glad." I hope I say that, with meaning.

I leave you again to your wonderful, wonderful lives. I will be waiting here, hopefully with more entries, in your screens. Please do something for me. If your surroundings can aid you (especially if they don't), please do something.

Still

I feel like I could live inside a world where nothing happens. Where I can sit and stare and not worry about having to work or eat. I'm sure many people feel like this. The truth is that I have given up on humans. I have no hopes for the future and no anticipations. No real wanting except the wanting to leave this place. To just suddenly stop existing. It's a shame since even a young person like myself can see how disgusting we all are. In reality I know that my views will change constantly as my brain develops more and more, but I can't help but feel that this is the way I will always be thinking and that my opinion is right even though I think all humans are corrupt, especially when it comes to me. So why do I think I'm always correct? Because I'm human. And humans are naturally ignorant and stupid.

I leave you to your lives, and, as always, I will probably be waiting here, trapped in your screens.

Hardly an introduction

The first entry should be the hardest since I haven't yet gotten into the feeling of "blogging". I will not waste this talking about how bored I am or my religious/political views, but use this, my first entry, to somewhat introduce the person whose writing you might be reading every now and again from now on, or in other words mine.

I am what people consider young, and what I consider young too. I'm still learning all there is in the world. I am still catching up with things. But I feel like an exception (probably how every other "young person" does but just go with me). I see the others and I wonder how they don't see what they are doing. The severity of their actions. I shy away, yes, but I notice. I love noticing. Observing is my talent, as I like to think of it. I could literally watch paint dry. And when you love to observe, to stare, to visualize, you usually like to photograph it. Film it. I have no real skill when it comes to either but I would love to. I want to take a course in film and photography. Also, one in English. English language, English literature. It would be nice. I want to one day live in England. I love the country. I have thought it over many times.

I leave you to your lives. Have a good one. I will most likely be waiting here, trapped in your screens.